Alone

Someone once told me that the word Autism means “alone”. I’m not sure if this is true but it certainly does describe life on the Autism Spectrum. Being on the spectrum myself, I feel isolated from the outside world. Sure, I can communicate with others, but I struggle to fully  connect with other human beings. I’ve heard that having Autism is like being an alien from another planet. We are so different yet we are the same. We are human beings with basic needs like everyone else, our brains are just wired differently.

The thing is, I like being alone. It’s quiet and calming. I’m very independent. I actually feel more lonely and alone when I’m with other people at unstructured social events, like church or a party. A couple months ago, I was going through a difficult situation. I had injured myself and was unable to do even simple house cleaning. I communicated my needs with a couple specific people. They were aware of my situation and wanted to help but somehow the communication amongst themselves wasn’t clear and I didn’t get the help I really needed. At the time, I thought I had done something wrong because I know that I do not always notice subtle social cues. I felt very much alone. Like an outcast. Again, it was my difficulty to connect with others. However, I now know that it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. That trial is over and I’ve since moved on. It still hurts, sure. But I just remind myself that no one intentionally ignored me. Maybe I still need to pray for God’s help to forgive.